**This is an updated post, to thank everyone who commented during the Blog Hop. You were all so kind, I’m getting spoiled! Though I know that prospective editors will bring me down to earth soon enough. This experience has inspired me to take “Curse of the Dark Elf” out of its box and do the serious finish work it needs to prepare for submission. Again, thanks!**
Today is a special post for me. I’m taking part in the Sunday Snippets Blog Hop, organized by Jennifer Eaton. Our goal? Post and share 250 words from a work in progress.
If you want to find out more about the Sunday Snippets Blog Hop, click the button right up there. It should take you to the site.
My snippet is from “Curse of the Dark Elf,” a high fantasy at the cusp between middle-grade and YA, so for kids between 10 and 14. All comments and critiques welcome.
*****
“Tyne! Hold on there.”
Tyne froze in the act of undoing the straps that held the wood on her sledge. Her heart sank as old Hildr trotted toward her, but she tried to answer politely, the way her father would have.
“Well met, goodman Hildr.”
Hildr planted himself between Tyne and his wood shed. He cleared his throat and a sickening weight dropped into her stomach. This was the third time today one of her customers wanted to talk to her. She already knew what he was going to say.
“The thing is,” Hildr faltered. He ran a nervous hand over his balding head. Pale eyes darted to the ground, then to the fence behind her, looking everywhere but at Tyne. “The thing is, we won’t be needing you any more.”
“May I ask why?” Tyne gritted between her teeth. “My father supplied you wood for many years. I’m trying to carry on the work he left unfinished.”
At last the man looked at her. Everyone in Palte had known Tyne’s father, Willem. They all knew he was but five months dead, ambushed by bandits as he cut trees in the mountains south of the village. A momentary softening of Hildr’s expression let her hope he would change his mind.
“Is it a problem with my work?” Tyne pressed.
Hildr glanced toward his house, a kind of flinch. Tyne glimpsed movement there, curtains parting behind a window in the low, round cottage. Griffa, his wife, peered out. She scowled meaningfully. Resolution replaced the pity in Hildr’s eyes. He squared his shoulders as if bracing to lift something heavy.
“I just can’t use you,” he said. “Be off, elf.”
*****
Check out the other authors who are taking part in the blog hop:
http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://www.mandyevebarnett.com
http://womanbitesdog.wordpress.com/
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com
Dang girl! By far the best I’ve read yet. Nicely done and I totally want to read the next page! A beautiful image, and we feel for her, get the image of the town, and we have the necessary backstory all in a neat little package!
Suggestions:
I was a little unsure of the image when you first started. I couldn’t see it. I didn’t know she was an elf until the man said it, but I’m not sure that is a problem.
This is that part that troubled me. All the rest I would leave exactly as is.
——————–
Tyne froze in the act of undoing the straps that held the wood on her sledge.
I HAD A PROBLEM ENVISIONING THIS BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT A SLEDGE IS
Her heart sank as old Hildr trotted toward her, but she tried to answer politely, the way her father would have.
“Well met, goodman Hildr.”
Hildr planted himself between Tyne and his wood shed.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO MAKE THIS MORE CLEAR BY SAYING HILDR LEFT THE PORCH OF THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR OR SOMETHING.
He cleared his throat and a sickening weight dropped into her stomach. I’D TRANSPOSE THIS LINE TO FIX THE PACING (MAYBE) This was the third time today one of her customers wanted to talk to her. She already knew what he was going to say.
———————
Other than this part, the rest is awesome. Well, this part is awesome too, to be honest, but if you could tweek it just s touch, it will be SUPER AWESOME!
Well done.
Thanks for your nice comments. You are spoiling me!
I liked this. You picked a perfect piece to entice. Since he calls her ‘elf’, I assume he isn’t, so this sets up an interesting conflict and story questions. What’s going on between the elves and humans? Also, the writing is clear, I never felt confused (except one spot, see below). The pacing was good, you provided just the right about of description between the dialogue, though some may say you can pare it down a bit more, but I thought it was good.
The only thing I would change is this sentence:
“He cleared his throat and a sickening weight dropped into her stomach.”
Not sure why, but that confused me. I thought, what? He dropped something in her stomach? Maybe I was reading too fast?
Otherwise,, great excerpt!
I like this as an opening, particularly that last line. If you were unsure as to what the problem was, then that line is a great way to introduce the issues that Tyne has and the potential difficult relationships between humans and elves (plus I luuurve elves).
I felt a little removed from the tale; you may find that it is possible to immerse readers more deeply by playing with the senses a little; what is the day like? Is it cold? What about the smells of the wood and the mountains nearby? Are there any birds singing, or is the air still so close to Hildr’s house?
I do like the hints of the relationship between Hildr and Griffa too; she wears the trousers from what I’ve read.
I like Tyne. Already, which is a very positive sign. The brush stroke of detail ‘the way her father would have’ immediately tells us that something has happened to him, which means that you might not need to be so abrupt with the detail of his ambush. We need to know it, but subtle hints of it as we go on may give you more space in this first 250 words to tell us more about Tyne.
Thanks for reading it. I appreciate your comments and plan to work on this all-important first page.
Wow, I love the way you hint at things, building up the tension. Speaking of her father in past tense, the man standing between her and her goal… Made me want to keep reading!
How close is this cottage? You say the wife ‘peers’ out of parted curtains, so I pictured just a hint of movement and the sense of a face–but she’s clear enough for her husband to see her scowl’s meaning. That confused me a little. Maybe the reminded or her presence would be enough?
Thanks for your critique. I appreciate it, when there were so many other great snippets to read.
I love this snippet and as my snippet is a mystical creature’s world as well was very intrigued! There is enough description of the place to entice your reader.
Thanks for your critique. I appreciate it, when there were so many other great snippets to read.
Will enjoy reading more next Sunday. Maybe replacing ‘and’ with ‘as’ would help the sentence that tsmo mentioned. Thanks for the tantalizing read.
Thanks for your comments. I appreciate it, when there were so many other great snippets to read.
I also thought it was a good opening (and surprisingly gripping for middle grade/YA). I can see the foreshadowed conflict and I want to know why the poor elf keeps getting fired, haha. The ‘sickening weight dropped into her stomach’ line might be fixed by simply changing the word ‘dropped’ to ‘grew.’ Also, I would cut the word ‘meaningfully’ from the dude’s wife’s scowl. I don’t think it’s necessary. Good job though! And good luck!
Thanks for your critique. I appreciate it, when there were so many other great snippets to read.
No problem, good luck with it!
I like the set-up, too. The last line in particular, is quite emotive.
Question: rather than having three customers cancel on her in one day, would it work to have her losing customers over the few months since her father died? Nitpicky, yes.
I look forward to more. Thank you,
Shannon
Thanks for taking time to comment when there were so many pieces to read. I appreciate it.
This reads quite well and I haven’t much to add which hasn’t been pointed out before me. Nice job.
I really, really liked this! Perfect pacing, perfect tension. Is there more, Miss? I would like to read more, please.
There is more! 53,000 words, up to the fifth draft. I’m working on the finishes it needs to start submitting, and I really appreciate the encouragement.