Somewhat to my own surprise, I have another snippet for the blog hop. Actually, it’s a rework of my previous snippet with input from comments. This makes it longer than 250, though. Sorry!
Again, this is the opening page of a YA novel.
———-
“What is wrong with this town?” Tyne grumbled to herself.
The cottages of Palte loomed over her, beehives built of yellow stone. The muddy earth of the lane between sucked at the rails of her heavy sledge. Tyne was in no mood for trouble, not after the bad news from her customers today. Feeling the resistance, she yanked harder to keep the load of wood moving.
Doing so knocked her scarf askew. She stopped with an irritable sigh and adjusted the knot beneath her raven-wing braid. Tyne didn’t even want to wear the scarf. She hated the way it rubbed against her pointed elfin ears. Tyne didn’t care if people saw her ears, but her mother insisted she cover them whenever she went into town.
Satisfied, Tyne hauled her sledge around a bend and to her next customer’s yard. As she passed through a gap in the fence of woven willow branches, she called out, “Delivery!”
She had just reached the wood shed when the cottage door banged open.
“Tyne! Hold on there.”
Tyne froze in the act of undoing the straps that held the wood on her sledge. Her heart sank as old Hildr trotted toward her, but she tried to answer politely, the way her father would have.
“Well met, goodman Hildr.”
Hildr planted himself between Tyne and his wood shed. He cleared his throat and a sickening weight dropped into her stomach. This was the third time today one of her customers wanted to talk to her. She had a good hunch what he was going to say.
“The thing is,” Hildr faltered. He ran a nervous hand over his balding head. Pale eyes darted to the ground, then to the fence behind her, looking everywhere but at Tyne. “The thing is, I won’t be needing you any more.”
“May I ask why?” Tyne gritted between her teeth. “My father supplied you wood for many years. I’m trying to carry on the work he left unfinished.”
At last the man looked at her. Everyone in Palte had known Tyne’s father, Willem. They all knew he was but five months dead, ambushed by bandits as he cut trees in the mountains south of the village. A momentary softening of Hildr’s expression let her hope he would change his mind.
“Is it a problem with my work?” Tyne pressed.
Hildr glanced toward his house, a kind of flinch. Tyne glimpsed movement there, curtains parting behind a window in the low, round cottage. Griffa, his wife, peered out. She scowled. Resolution replaced the pity in Hildr’s eyes. He squared his shoulders as if bracing to lift something heavy.
“I just can’t use you,” he said. “Be off, elf.”
———-
Fellow participants in the blog hop:
http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://wyrmflight.wordpress.com/
http://www.mandyevebarnett.com
http://womanbitesdog.wordpress.com/
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com
http://threepiecebikini.blogspot.com/
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/
http://writerscrash.blogspot.co.uk/
Hi Deby! Having loved your opening so much I’m thrilled that you’ve reposted with edits.
I like that you’ve opened with dialogue. Snipping off the ‘to herself’ part of the attribute, will bring us closer to Tyne and drop her right into the irritation she feels.
I must admit, while I like the description of Tyne, I think I prefer the reveal about her elfin nature coming as it did towards the end as a result of Hildr’s words. I feel that it packs more of a punch coming in from a ‘be off, elf.’
Again, I have Hildr’s discomfort and the the serious nature of Tyne’s plight. As this is the third person to have a dreaded ‘conversation’ with her, then I am starting to worry for her. Which is good.
I’m with Ileandra–leave the reveal for a bit.
Maybe if you say she adjusts the scarf, which she hates, but her mother makes her wear, and leave it at that. It’ll build the tension, make us wonder, without giving it away.
The same goes for “Tyne was in no mood for trouble, not after the bad news from her customers today.” Perhaps if you cut the last part of the sentence it’d add to the rising tension.
I love the sense of slogging through the mud, struggling against something pulling you down… Its like nature and people are both fighting her.
Nice description of the setting, I have a much better idea of where we are, now.
I’m with Caitlin on the suggestions on revealing too much too soon. Lure your readers in a bit more. Great revisions
“What is wrong with this town?” Tyne grumbled to herself. NICE OPENING. MAKES THE READER WANT MORE.
The cottages of Palte loomed over her, beehives built of yellow stone. THIS CONFUSED ME. MAYBE SWITCH IT? I’M NOT GETTING THE IMAGE.
The muddy earth of the lane between BETWEEN WHAT? sucked at the rails of her heavy sledge.
I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEANT. IS IT A SLEDGE HAMMER? MAYBE BE MORE SPECIFIC.
Tyne was in no mood for trouble, INSTEAD OF THE TELL, MAYBE DESCRIBE. “HER BLOOD STILL SIMMERED FROM THE CONFRONTATION WITH HER LAST CUSTOMER.” not after the bad news from her customers today.
Feeling the resistance, she yanked harder to keep the load of wood moving. SINCE I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT SHE IS DOING YET, THIS IS VERY CONFUSING.
Doing so knocked her scarf askew. She stopped with an irritable sigh and adjusted the knot beneath her raven-wing braid.
Tyne didn’t even want to wear the scarf. DELETE THIS. UNECESSARY TELL. JUST GIVE THE NEXT SNIPPET OF INFO
She hated the way it rubbed against her pointed elfin ears. Tyne didn’t care if people saw her ears, but her mother insisted she cover them whenever she went into town. SHE’S IN TOWN?
Satisfied, SATISFIED ABOUT WHAT? Tyne hauled her sledge around a bend and to her next customer’s yard. OH! IS A SLEDGE SOME KIND OF CART? I DIDN’T GET THAT AT ALL! As she passed through a gap in the fence of woven willow branches, she called out, “Delivery!”
She had just I HAD AN EDITOR ONCE STRIKE OUT EVERY “JUST” I USESD reached the wood shed when the cottage door banged open.
“Tyne! Hold on there.”
Tyne froze in the act of undoing the straps that held the wood on her sledge. Her heart sank as old Hildr trotted toward her, but she tried to answer politely, the way her father would have.
“Well met, goodman Hildr.”
Hildr planted himself between Tyne and his wood shed. He cleared his throat and a sickening weight dropped into her stomach. This was the third time today one of her customers wanted to talk to her. She had a good hunch what he was going to say. I WASN’T CONFUES THE FIRST TIME I READ THIS. I’M NOT CRAZY ABOUT WHAT YOU DID UP UNTIL THIS POINT, ALTHOUGH IT COULD BE OKAY IF YOU SPRUCED IT UP.
“The thing is,” Hildr faltered. He ran a nervous hand over his balding head. Pale eyes darted to the ground, then to the fence behind her, looking everywhere but at Tyne. “The thing is, I won’t be needing you any more.”
“May I ask why?” Tyne gritted between her teeth. “My father supplied you wood for many years. I’m trying to carry on the work he left unfinished.”
At last the man looked at her. Everyone in Palte had known Tyne’s father, Willem. They all knew he was but five months dead, ambushed by bandits as he cut trees in the mountains south of the village. A momentary softening of Hildr’s expression let her hope he would change his mind.
“Is it a problem with my work?” Tyne pressed.
Hildr glanced toward his house, a kind of flinch. Tyne glimpsed movement there, curtains parting behind a window in the low, round cottage. Griffa, his wife, peered out. She scowled. Resolution replaced the pity in Hildr’s eyes. He squared his shoulders as if bracing to lift something heavy.
“I just can’t use you,” he said. “Be off, elf.”
I ACTUALLY LIKE THE SECOND HALF. THE NEW ADDITIONS SEEM JAMMED WITH TELL AND ARE, UNFORTUNATELY, VERY CONFUSING TO ME. (SORRY). I DO STILL GET THAT CONNECTION WITH YOUR ELF WHEN SHE LOSES HER JOB THOUGH.
Thank you for all your comments. A sledge is like a cart, but on runners instead of wheels. You use them in areas where you might encounter deep snow or sand. It might be pulled by a horse or large dog, or in Tyne’s case a person. So it’s much like a sleigh, but the sleigh has seating and the sledge only carries cargo.
Hmmm I get it. But the problem is that there are probably a lot more people like me who will be confused. You may want to clarify in the writing.
Loving the revisions. Don’t want to be repetitive, so I’ll just say I agree with the previous comments about toning back some of the reveals. Also, I think the added description this time around about the sledge alludes to what type of contraption it is. Coupled with the context, the reader should be able to infer exactly what it is.
Not much left for me to add. No point in repetition. The last line is great. It sounds like ‘elf’ is a despicable being to be. Interesting…
Love it! well done on the edit! I like the opening bit
Thanks. Some comments were that the revised version told too much, but on reading through I realized there was nothing in the first version to tell the reader Tyne was not human. So the description of her ears, and her mom telling her to hide them, does really need to be there. I’m still working with that critical first paragraph, however.